The Mariner Monitor

Rod Mar/THE SEATTLE TIMES

This week’s Sports Illustrated cover is about baseball’s bizarro world. On Tuesday night Safeco Field was its own bizzaro world.

An 8-0 Daisuke Matsuzaka was going up against a who-care-what-his-record-is-because-its-bad Miguel Bautista. Yet, when the dust settled it was the Mariners who came out on top, 4-3 over the Red Sox. In the ninth inning no less.

I’ll be honest, going into the game I would’ve been more confident allowing Jeff Dahmer to cut my hair than allowing Miguel Bautista to start for my brother’s Little League team, let alone Seattle.

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I hoped it would never come to this, but the Mariners have left me no other choice. Thanks to a 5-3 loss to the Red Sox (the team’s seventh straight) Seattle fell to 16 games below .500 and I have a strict rule that once a team falls under 15 games below .500 they can no longer be called by name.

OK, I never came up with that rule. It was created by Detroit sports radio personalities during the Tigers’ horrendous run in 2003. Anyway, now that the Mariners are 16 games below .500 they will now be referred to as the Tacoma Rainiers Major League affiliate.

Harsh you say? Well who cares! Tacoma’s Major League affiliate is 16 games below .500!

The latest loss didn’t do much to boost fans’ confidence … not that they had any to begin with.

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There isn’t much to say about Saturday afternoon’s game. The Mariners sucked … again. Seattle fell to the Yankees 12-6 to extend its losing streak to five.

Not only is it a five-game losing streak, it’s a five-game losing streak to two teams that began the week dead last in their division. It’s also five straight games the team has given up nine or more runs. I’ve never even scored nine or more runs for five straight games in a video game.

But don’t worry Mariners fan (since there can’t be more than one by now). Seattle GM Bill Bavasi held a conference call to announce that manager John McLaren will not be going anywhere any time soon. In Bavasi’s opinion, it all falls on the players.

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 Duane Burlson/AP

Is it over? Can I open my eyes now? Part of me really doesn’t want to because I know I’d be subjected to the pain of watching this God-awful team play more.

The Mariners, making the Tigers look like the ‘27 Yankees, posted three losses in a row thanks to a 9-4 loss on Thursday afternoon. Detroit outscored Seattle 30-14 for the series. Remember, the Tigers are no more than five games better than the Mariners in the race for last place in the American League.

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The rain started to fall midway through Wednesday night’s game, but it couldn’t wash away the tears on manager John McLaren’s face as the Mariners lost yet another game, 9-4, to the Tigers.

Seattle probably lost it in the third inning when the Detroit, who was already leading 2-1, dropped a seven spot on starter Jarrod Washburn. Eight of the first nine batters Washburn faced got hits. The highlight, well lowlight, of the inning came when career back up Marcus Thames sent a ball soaring into the leftfield bleachers for a grand slam.

The crowd went into a frenzy and even amongst the mayhem of the moment, I swear I could hear Geoff Baker slamming his head on press row.

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Tuesday night was a battle between the American League’s two worst teams and someone had to win the game. So the Mariners graciously accepted the role of loser and endured nine innings of jail love en route to a 12-8 loss to the Tigers.

Oh, a four-run loss doesn’t sound too bad, you say. It is when you consider Detroit had an 11-1 lead going into the seventh inning. And even ignoring that, when you score eight runs against a group of players more content with sleeping before the game rather than looking over scouting film, you should be winning. But, this should come as no surprise to Seattle fans. This game was just a microcosm of the entire season.

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The official Jeff Clement experiement is now over and Clement, who was brought up from Triple-A Tacoma to fill in for an injured Jose Vidro, is being sent back down.

Hitting .167 with 20 strike outs in 15 games will do that to you.

Not to worry, Jeff. I know exactly how you feel. I, too, know what it’s like to not get what you want. Applying for internships, I’ve been turned down by several newspapers. But look at me now! I’m blogging about the … Seattle … Mariners.

Hmmm. On second thought, at 22-20, maybe Tacoma isn’t so bad.

Two days and two wins in a row. That hasn’t happened for the Mariners since late April. And even then (April 20 and 22) there was a day off between games. But ignoring its past ineptitude, at least for now, Seattle took advantage of the Padres’ anemic offense and won its second straight game, 3-2, Sunday afternoon.

Jose Lopez is the player of the game after driving in all three of the Mariners’ runs. He picked a heck of a time to play well considering there was a small feature on him in Friday’s Seattle Times praising his new focus at the plate.

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Forget getting up on the wrong side of the bed every morning he starts. The Mariners’ Miguel Bautista isn’t even getting out of the bed. At least it felt that way when Bautista gave up three runs in the first inning en route to a 6-4 loss to another pathetic baseball team, the Padres.

For the third consecutive start Bautista couldn’t get out of the first inning without giving up at least two runs, throwing at least 25 pitches and giving fans an acute pain in their arse.

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Wow. The only thing more depressing than this season is … no, no, there is nothing more depressing than the Mariners’ season right now. I think even O.J. Simpson is looking at this team and thinking, “Damn, at least I’m not them.”

Seattle lost, yet again, 5-2 to the Rangers, and this game featured everything that has plauged the team.

No hitting.

Poor fielding.

Spiritless pitching.

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